The Best of the Worst: Bar Rescue — Constructive(?) Criticism

In this installment of "Best of the Worst" - a series of articles on my favorite bad reality shows - I'll be sharing some thoughts on the Spike TV series "Bar Rescue."

No matter how many mindless, trashy reality shows I find myself binge-watching while lying comatose on my couch in an alcohol and narcotic-induced haze, "Bar Rescue" is something I always return to. I find it strangely reassuring - it's a comfort show in the same way that McDonald's is comfort food. Both bare little resemblance to the high-quality end of the spectrum ("Bar Rescue" is about as close to highbrow TV as a McDouble is to filet mignon), but they do nourish my more base sensibilities.

When it comes to so-bad-it's-good-TV, "Bar Rescue" has a lot going for it. A highly predictable and formulaic format, a hell of a lot of yelling and general aggression, and a cast of characters that are frequently sleazy, disgusting, and just all-around unlikable... not the least of which is the host of the show, Jon Taffer - a man that resembles a primitive, less evolved ancestor of homo sapiens and has the most punchable face that's currently on television.

The premise of the show is simple enough - Jon Taffer, a self-proclaimed "expert" in the bar and nightclub industry, is called in by bar owners to save their failing business (Think "Kitchen Nightmares" or "Restaurant: Impossible", but with bars). In the opening sequence, the narrator asserts that "running a bar isn't just a business - it's a science. And nobody knows more about bar science than Jon Taffer." And if any statement in the history of the English language has deserved to undergo a little bit of scrutiny, it's that one. I'll first address - and dismiss - the idea that running a bar qualifies in any way as "science".

Yeah, he basically does the same stuff these guys do.

Clearly, equating pouring shots for drunk people with "science" is patently ridiculous, but it's not even the most ridiculous part of that statement - because the next sentence claims that Jon Taffer knows more about running a bar than anyone, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Jon Taffer doesn't know more about anything than anyone, much less how run a bar. The business decisions he makes on the show run the gamut from 'obvious' to 'completely retarded', but never venture into 'original' or 'intelligent'.

Having studied his methods, I think that I've pretty well soaked up all of his impressive knowledge, and can condense it into a few easy bullet points. To save any failing bar, you need to:

Yell and scream like a complete fucking asshole
Train the staff
Spend a few thousand dollars on renovations
Get publicity by putting the bar on TV

That's about what his strategy is for every episode. Usually, Taffer will bring in one or two "expert" consultants to help train the bar and kitchen staff. He'll hold some kind of meeting of the minds with them, and they'll make the brilliant business decision to craft a new menu of great food and drinks with high quality ingredients (not being an expert bar scientist, I would never have thought to try serving items that taste good). After one day of training them on new drinks and menu items, he'll pack the bar and then scream at them for not being able to keep up with orders. He'll have some kind of highly scripted, emotional breakthrough with the owner of the bar before renovating and re-opening the place.

Almost every episode will end with text on the screen, informing the viewer that business is way up and that the rescue was a success....leaving out the troublesome fact that - after the initial bump in business they see after being on the show - a good number of bars featured on the show end up closing their doors anyway. The show also fails to address the fact that, among the bar and nightclub scene, Taffer isn't exactly regarded as a paragon of the industry. Several bartenders and bar owners have voiced their confusion about why anyone would place value in his opinion, pointing out baffling and ignorant assertions he's made.

Despite...no, because of these issues, the show is immensely entertaining. It's so mindless and inane as to be hypnotic. Many a night has ended with me drifting off to sleep to the sound of Taffer screaming at a hapless bar owner for not having a clean kitchen or for drinking on the job...and for that reason, I'm calling "Bar Rescue" one of the best of the worst.

"Bar Rescue" can be seen on Spike TV, pretty much every fucking night, often in marathons of several hours at a time. Make a drinking game of it and see how long you can go before succumbing to alcohol poisoning.