This Weeks Best(?) Toys! STAR WARS Edition!
Recently on a trip to the store, I decided to placate my inner child by taking a stroll through the toy section. I thought I'd see whats still hanging around there from the days of my youth, as well as checking out what new forms of insanity kids are badgering their parents about these days. Do LEGO's still dominate? Are walkie-talkies still terrible? Is GaK still a thing?(As it turns out it is!) What I found left me mostly confused and a little sad. Allow me to enlighten you on the insanity of modern children's toys in the first installment in my new weekly mini article series called "This Weeks Best(?) Toys"
Star Wars Insanity:
What is this shit?
This "shit" my caption dwelling friend is the Star Wars "Bladebuilders" kit. No more are the old school bladebuilders kits for making boring double ended sabers, according to the packaging this thing allows you to create over 100 different blade combinations, all of which would cause even the most eccentric and gaudy Expanded Universe character to have an aneurysm if drawn by an enemy in battle.
"THAT? What IS that? WHAT is that?? What is THAT??"
The combinations shown on the box range from "Okay, that's... different." to "Oh God NO! My limbs! All of my limbs!" For example, here is one I Like to call, Sink Plumbing Saber:
Why? Seriously, what goal could this possibly be trying to achieve?
And here is "Arms, who needs 'em?" saber
This HAS to be the most insane design ever.
Followed by my favorite, the "I have no more fucks to give" saber
Wow. Yeah, that's actually worse.
Look, I know these are for children and not meant to convey realistic fighting implements, but come ON. Do you really want your progeny to grow up thinking those are viable weapon designs if/when the shit hits the fan on the playground? I think not, discerning parent. I think not.
Oh and in case you didn't see in the first image, know that each "kit" containing some of the cheapest plastic parts that Chinese child laborer hands will ever pry from busted factory equipment(which is kinda like playing with them I guess) cost freakin $35 to $50 at a toy isle near you. Or you could take that money, buy yourself a bottle of rye, and download your kid a game on Xbox/PS4/Whatever and you'll both feel better about yourselves at the end of the day.
Theeen I came across this abomination. Behold: Endor Cloak Han Solo.
He's totally naked under that thing, building up the courage to flash some Ewoks.
The first question your probably asking yourself is "Why is that not Han Solo looking guy in a stained potato sack/tarp?" followed by "How many children did this monster expose himself to before being locked away in this plastic prison?" Obviously this not an article of clothing everyone's favorite spice smuggler would ever consider wearing. Which is fitting, as upon closer inspection this isn't just "Not Han Solo" or "Not even Harrison Ford", its more like "Possessed Shaved Aqualung"
"Look into my eyes so that I may feast upon your very soul"
I've seen some awful action figure threads in my time, but I have never seen more ill fitting clothing outside of the oversize suits they drape over the reanimated skeletal structure of Bill Clinton for recent public appearances.
.....DAMN.
Speaking of soulless Action Figures, it is admittedly refreshing to still be able to look in the Star Wars section to see even the most minor characters with little to no actual relevance to the plot, or even any screentime at all, getting their time in the sun. Because what are kids gonna do with themselves if they don't have a "Sarco Plank" and "Goss Toowers" figure to enjoy alongside Finn and Rey.
Good job "Goss Toowers" you made it.
Excellent work Disney, I have no idea who these people are. Its perfect.
See any weird/ridiculous toys you want us to talk about? Let us know at constructivecriticismblog@gmail.com and/or follow us on facebook and twitter using the icons and let us know there! Be sure to check out our other articles if you enjoyed this one, and spread the word on Constrictive(?) Criticism!
