The 59th Annual Grammy Awards
We're officially in awards show season, and I have just one question. Who the hell watches this shit?
I mean, the Oscars are bad enough - it's insufferable (unless you're into watching millionaires pat themselves on the back all fucking night while characterizing each other as brave, or genius, or other adjectives better applied to firefighters or college professors), the Academy frequently get things wrong (Really? Forrest Gump is a better movie than Pulp Fiction?), and they're frustratingly elitist (frequently snubbing comedies, superhero and action movies...you know, the kind of movies that people actually like to watch) but at least I kind of understand the appeal. While movie piracy and online streaming has changed the way that people consume movies, people still watch movies from beginning to end. But in an age when people listen to playlists on Spotify and watch music videos on Youtube, cultural institutions like the Grammys are starting to look a little outdated. If albums are becoming obsolete, how much longer can this abortion of an awards show have?
This year's Grammys were described by some (hoping against hope to inject some kind interest into "music's biggest night") as a battle between Adele and Beyonce, the top three categories - record of the year, song of the year, and album of the year - were perceived to be going to one of the two of them. I would describe them more as a tedious exercise in mediocrity - and I'm being generous at that. If writing for this blog does nothing else for me, it WILL drive me insane. This is only the most recent of several spectacles I've forced myself to sit through so that I could write about it from an informed point of view. The trick, I've found, is to use alcohol and other mind-altering substances to your advantage. Had I not been under the influence I doubt I would have lived to tell the tale.
I could (and will) go on about everything that was boring, annoying, and excruciating about this year's Grammy Awards, but I'll begin with one thing that was cause for celebration: LL Cool J, for the first time in five years, didn't host - meaning that this year, the viewing public wasn't subjected to his lack of stage presence and his awful jokes. The unfortunate downside to that is that James Corden - the tubby, goofy jackass best known for his "Carpool Karaoke" segment was tapped by CBS to host.
Carpool Karaoke - it's like "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" but even more retarded.
Some highlights from this year's performances include: a pandering tribute to Prince by Bruno Mars, a somewhat inexplicable tribute to George Michael performed by Adele (which the singer brought to a halt midway through, insisting that she needed to start over), a collaborative performance by Lady Gaga and Metallica (a band whose Grammy appearances over the past few years is vastly out of proportion with their cultural relevance) and a baffling performance by a very pregnant Beyonce, which consisted primarily of the singer standing still onstage and staring intensely at the camera as people danced around her.
Truly, one of the great entertainers of our age.
As for the awards themselves, the night - somewhat unsurprisingly - ended up belonging to Adele, who brought home five awards, including album, record, and song of the year...marking the second time she has received the "triple crown" of Grammy awards; while Beyonce had to settle for two - best urban contemporary album and best music video. Also notable was David Bowie, whose last release, "Blackstar" won him four posthumous awards (among them best rock song and best alternative album), and Chance the Rapper, who won three awards (including best new artist).
And to think, Katy Perry hasn't even taken ONE home. Google it if you don't believe me.
As the "In Memoriam" portion of the night was taking place, I thought back on great artists that are no longer with us (such as Leonard Cohen and George Michael) and was also a bit taken aback as I saw some unexpected names ("No shit, Merle Haggard died? Huh.") By this time, I was on my second bottle of vodka and had lost count of how many hits of DMT I had taken, and the combined effects were putting me in a reflective mood. I sat back and considered the show I had just wasted hours of my life watching. If this represents the best that music has to offer, then we're in trouble. I hate to sound like a stereotypical old man, but the stuff that the young people are listening to these days really just sounds like noise. But not only does it not sound good, it's also so sanitized and corporate. The longer I watched, the more I hoped to see someone do something reckless and impulsive, like smash their instruments, or bite the head off of a bat, or even something as comparatively tame as rip up a picture of the pope. In a setting so clean as the Grammy Awards, broadcast on network TV, not even as provocative a figure as Lady Gaga could be counted on to do something shocking. The Grammy Awards represent what's wrong with the music industry, and if the ceremony doesn't live to see it's 60th birthday, that will be just fine by me.
